. . . when you realize that hard times do come, and they make you stronger and make you appreciate more the sweet, happy, carefree times, but still . . .
My cousin Billy died suddenly last week. He went up to bed and his wife watched the end of "American Idol", and when she got upstairs his breathing didn't sound right. Within the hour he was at the hospital, but he was already gone. He lived his life the way he wanted to live it, taking his two dogs through the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru a couple of times a week and stuff like that. Had he really known that the net effect of that would be dying at 56, and having his time with his grandchildren cut short, though, I can't help thinking that he might have made some different choices.
I found out today that my mentor is also not long for this world. I haven't let that information really penetrate yet, which I only know because I'm not panicky or hysterical. It's hard to even crank out words that make any sense on the subject. I think the internal shields have slammed down like they did when my dad died, which was the only way I was able to plan the funeral and deal with everything that needed handling. People tell me that under extreme emotional strain I appear to be cold and detached, but the reality is that it's all a defense mechanism. I can't allow myself to feel everything that's inside me, because it might make me fall apart and I don't have the luxury of doing that. There's still too much that needs doing.
There's always stuff that needs doing. And if not by me, then by whom?
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2 comments:
You're absolutely right that things need doing but you have family here to help you. Always remember that. And always remember that often you must ask for help, especially in situations where death is involved. It's an awkward subject for most and rather than asking what they can do, they usually keep quiet. How can I help? I love you and I love that you're a part of my family, sweet Jennifer.
I also know all to well those last few lines that you posted, and have felt alone. It is easier then people think to still be alone with alot of people around them. Learning to ask for help is a tough thing, but that is one thing that I am starting to get better at, which is also not an easy thing to do.
Here for ya if you need to chat.
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