Well, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. The people who I normally would have gone to for support are not available for number of reasons. They're either not available, distracted... well, mostly not available and in one case, spectacularly angry at me. That one, well, I’m not entirely sure that he is ever going to talk to me again. That makes me very sad, and I hope it's not true, but if it is, I'll just have to get used to it. I've had people I've loved deeply decide to be gone from my life for periods of time (or indefinitely), and I survived that, so presumably the same will apply here. The funny thing is, I've made a connection with someone that I never expected to. The world is a funny place. I suppose I will have to figure out what to call him on this little venting space, since he does not yet have a 501st I.D. number. Pseudo-naming him is actually harder than I would have thought it would be -- perhaps I don't know him well enough yet to have a single word or phrase that I find to be representative. Either that or, there isn't one--not a single one, anyway. I'll have to work on that.

I find myself once again on the verge of taking on a huge amount of responsibility and work over the next several months. I'm not sure how well-prepared, I am for that but... I was trying to remember what movie it was… I think it was the latest Die Hard. Who knows? Anyway, there is discussed the issue of why somebody does something dangerous, volunteers for something unwieldy or difficult, things of that nature. The answer is that in whatever the given situation, there is no one else to do that job or assume that responsibility...so that person just does it. The quote, then becomes, “You're that guy.” I guess what it comes down to is that I'm that guy. The Dark One says that I have been strongly maternal since high school, particularly with my male friends. This may just be the adult extension of that instinct. I was up until the middle of the night the other night, doing an online continuing education program for my Bar license, and it was regarding stress and quality of life and things of that nature. One of the topics discussed was the fact that there will ever be areas where you would like to feel like you're indispensable, like the entire organization would come to a screeching halt if you were not there. The ultimate reality though, no matter how distasteful it is, is that no matter what job each of us does for living to pay the bills or whatever, we are ever eternally replaceable. I could be the greatest attorney in the history of mankind and they could still find a body to put in my place that would be adequate. The lesson was supposed to be that there are areas of our lives where we are not replaceable, where just substituting in another body is not and could not ever be adequate, like in our family units. I guess that I have to figure out which category my work for the Garrison falls into, because right now it seems like a hybrid of the two... I work very hard and I enjoy the work that I do, and I feel that what I do makes a difference to a number of people, but ultimately the truth is that I am likely replaceable, and they could probably find someone else that would do as good a job. As I move through all of this, I should probably keep that in mind.

My I.M. buddy... let's see. Likely associative words would be dark, strong, Evanescence, fighter, writer, protector, demon... I'm sure something will come to me. It's usually easy. Huh.

Heroes.

"He knows a hero when he sees one. Too few characters out there, flying around like that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams."