O Captain, My Captain

Attended Bill's funeral today. Saw many faces I hadn't seen in a long time.

I've realized that I am truly blessed, because I have so many people in my life that mean so much to me--loving as much as I do is a risk. When God decides it's time for them to go, that's it, broken hearts notwithstanding. Loss makes some people question the existence of God, but it only reaffirms for me the fact that there is a God, and everything on this earth is as it should be, whether we understand it or not. It's not for us to understand, only for us to accept and work through as best we can. As much as it annoys The Dark One, I am still a big fan of Thomas Jefferson, and his theory toward the almighty rings true for me. He wasn't a Christian, per se. He was a deist, for the simple reason that he believed that there is no way that the world could be as it is, as perfectly designed (and ripe for humans to wreck) as it is, just by accident. The odds simply don't support such a thing. Logic told him, and tells me, that there is some greater force at work in the universe, keeping an eye on things, because no other explanation makes any real sense.

Bill and my dad and my father-in-law and my cousin "Steel Curtain, Baby!" have moved on to hang with the greater force. I hope they're having a blast.

I also realized today that a part of me is broken now, with having lost Bill. I'll be okay, and it will hurt less as time goes on, but a part of me just fractured when I heard that he'd died. I'm never going to be quite the same person again. Maybe that's the real net effect of loving someone, and really letting them into your heart. That person occupies a unique space, and no other human in the world can occupy that space, ever again. When you really lose that person, for good and forever, that spot is just broken.

More lightheartedness to follow. All this drama is about to make my head explode. Maybe I should go find another stupid online quiz.

By the way, thank you, 2035, for making the trek out to see me and let me buy you a beer. Even seeing you for that hour or so made the balance of the night much easier to deal with. Solid, loyal friends like you make the rough times bearable.